Subject: California's Secession Letter to Bush
Dear President Bush:Congratulations on your victory over all usnon-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked offhere in California, so we're leaving you.California will now be its own country. And we'retaking all the Blue States with us. In case you arenot aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of theNorth East States, and the urban half of Ohio.We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split willbe beneficial to almost everybody, and especially tous in the new country of California. In fact, God isso excited about it, she's going to shiftthe whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday.Therefore, please let everyone know they need to beback in their states by then. God is going to give usthe Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addition, we'regetting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.)But God is letting you have the KKK and country music(except the Dixie Chicks).Just so we're clear, the country of California will bepro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speakingof war, we're going to need all Blue States citizensback from Iraq. If you need people to fight inFallujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They havetons of kids they're willing to send to their deathsfor absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if youdon't show pictures of their kids' caskets cominghome.So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, andwe get the Governator and stem cell research. (Wewould love you to take Britney Spears off our hands,though. She IS from the south, right?)Since we get New York, you'll have to come up withyour own late night TV shows because we get MTV,Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. Youget... well, why don't you ask your people at Fox Newsto come up with something entertaining? (Maybe youshould just watch Crossfire. That's a really funnyshow.)We wish you all the best in the next four years and wehope, really hope, you find those missing weapons ofmass destruction. Seriously.Soon.Sincerely,California
