Nicholas von Hoffman:
'Outlook: Cloudy with continued craziness'
Topic: Republicans
Nicholas von Hoffman, The Huffington Post
The long range predictions of political and social meteorologists at this weather station are gloomy. Bear in mind that there is more money, attention and sex allure for weather persons when storms are forecast than when sunny days are promised, so readers may want to discount the following dark forebodings.January - In his State of the Nation speech President Bush says that the Iraqi war is kinda like a long, long horse race but that the thoroughbred named USA is leading down the home stretch and heading to a barn called Democracy. He expects the American force there can be reduced by the end of May.He tells people that now is not the time to give up on SUVs. He promises that the price of oil and natural gas is going to go down because of the miraculous technology advances our scientists, who are the best in the world, will have growing out of their test tubes, "faster 'an you can say ethanol."Congress repeals the Freedom of Information Act. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says, "It was useless and we are trying to get old, unenforced laws off the books."February - An air marshal who is a member of a VIPER anti-terrorist patrol kills an old man on a commuter train coming into Chicago from suburban Park Forest. The man, Arinsoe Palgrave, 81, carrying an attache case, began emitting strange sounds which the air marshal (name withheld for security reasons) took to be Arabic. After being asked by the marshal for some ID, Palgrave lept from his seat, began jerking and shaking while holding on to his attache case. When Palgrave ignored orders to place his case on the railroad car's floor and assume the position, the marshal was forced, to save the lives of the other passengers, to take the suspected terrorist out. The bomb squad determined that the case contained Palgrave's medical records and a petition to the Veterans Administration to raise his disability payments. A grandnephew, Marcel Palgrave, 23, said that his uncle suffered from an undiagnosed neurological disorder.March - Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, returns to the Middle East to resume her mission of teaching Arabs how to act right. Hughes, 49, a close collaborator with the President, is said to be one of the most astute political minds in Washington. The highly respected Egyptian newspaper El-Ahram noted her return to its part of the world in an article which contained the phrase, "fat, Christian cow."Congress reaches a milestone. In secret session it passes the first classified law. When asked how people can obey a law they don't know about, House Speaker Denny Hastert, said, "You'll know when you break it because we'll be down on you like a ton of bricks." The ACLU said Classified Law Number 1 was taking the country in "a new direction."April - Karl Rove, George Tenent, John Ashcroft and Fats Domino are awarded the Medal of Freedom. Fats entertains the glamorous Washington audience with "Ain't That a Shame."Avian flu breaks out in Minnesota. Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, Michael O. Leavitt, says, "Not to worry, the disease is only infecting undocumented immigrants who are being deported as fast as possible."May - President Bush announces that a turning point in the Iraqi war has been reached. He says that three million Iraqi soldiers have been trained, plus four million Iraqi police. Thus one out of every five Iraqis are in the army or law enforcement. He expects the American force there can be reduced by the end of the year.The Department of Energy says that scientists have achieved a release of energy via cold fusion, the way the sun releases energy only a lot cooler. Secretary of Energy Samuel W. Bodman tells a press conference that cold fusion can extract enough energy from a teacup of ocean water to power every home and office in the United States for a month. He has his picture taken with the teacup.June - Department of Education reveals it has perfected a computer program to teach Federal law enforcement officials how to connect dots.Officials fear gasoline prices will go through the roof this summer.President Bush tells his radio audience he is worried terrorists may try to disrupt American elections in the fall.The Supreme Court rules that government employees or persons deemed "critical in the G-WAT (global war against terrorism) may not tell others who they are if ordered to be "invisible." The case was originally brought by Grandmother X, who is not allowed to reveal to grandchild Y who his mother is. She may work for the CIA.July - Secretary of Energy Samuel W. Bodman admits to a Senate committee that he dropped the teacup and it broke, which has set back the cold fusion program but he predicts it will be up and running before the last drop of oil has been pumped out of Saudi Arabia. When queried, he is quoted saying, "Senator, you're asking me if I would buy an SUV under present conditions? My answer is yes. We can get another teacup."HHS boss, Michael O. Leavitt, concedes that there have been "a few hiccups" in the avian flue inoculation program but the "people most vital to our society, police, elected officials and risk taking, job creating, innovators with incomes over $500,000 a year" have been vaccinated. When asked about others, Leavitt responded that "most of them have high definition TV." An anonymous HHS official said that, "budgetarily it doesn't make sense to spend money for expensive vaccines on people who most likely will die next winter because they can't afford to heat their homes. Either Big Bird gets you in July or Frosty the Snowman offs you in January," but then added he was only joking. Welfare advocates said the jest was in poor taste.August - A gas station in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, is identified by the Associated Press as the first one in America to charge $10 for a gallon of regular. President Bush says that the price of gas is a sign that the free market is working and the economy is growing.He tells reporters that he is buying each of his twins a Ford Explorer but with the cup holders removed. This month, he tells a group of Marine veterans, will see America reaching a turning point in Iraq. He foresees a "draw down" of American troops by as early as March of 2007, which is way ahead of schedule. Democracy in the Middle East is around the corner, but the President is worried about what may happen here on election day.September - President Bush is accused of ordering the CIA to attack the World Trade Center and that 9/11 was a put-up job. "Why would I do a silly thing like that," the President said when pressed on the point.Attorney General Alberto Gonzales asks Congress to pass a law mandating every child born in the US have a small chip inserted in the back of the neck enabling the government to keep track of who's where and where is who. Gonzales explained that people move around "too much," although not as much as they did before gas hit $10, "but what will happen if prices drop?" he asked.Hurricane Albino destroys Houston, Texas.October - Secretary of Energy Samuel W. Bodman says that his Department hopes to have a new teacup up and running by sometime in the second quarter of next year.A FEMA press release states that Katrina victims are being evacuated from their temporary housing so that Hurricane Albino victims can move in. A spokesperson, when asked what Katrina victims are to do, answered, "They need to deal with it."Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, reacting to a Washington Post story about proactive interrogation, angrily explained to reporters who, he said, had not done their "homework," that when a fingernail is only pulled out halfway, it is "emphatically not a violation of the Geneva Convention, and you, ladies and gentlemen, should know that."The average price of gasoline has dropped to $7.21. Officials said the price of heating oil is over $6.00 a gallon but those using natural gas will have no cold nights this winter if they take out home equity loans.November - - Donald Rumsfeld denies that a sack of fingernails discovered by investigative reporter Seymour Hersh for the New Yorker magazine are human nails. "These are chimpanzee nails. Don't you people know anything?" a testy Secretary of Defense asks Pentagon reporters.In response to repeated inquiries from major Wall Street bond houses, Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill concedes that, "There has been a snafu with our books. We really don't know what is what right now, so there will be no financial information this quarter."White House press secretary, Scott McClellan, says the President believes that Iraq has reached an important milestone. But the milestone is classified "for obvious reasons."In a joint news conference the President and Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announce that the elections this month will be held under "Iraqi election rules." For the 48 hours preceding election day no one other than unruly Mexicans will be allowed in the country. All plane and railroad traffic will cease. Schools will be closed and no cars will be allowed on the streets. Only people on their way to or from their voting place will be permitted to leave their homes. The Army will count the ballots and the country will be informed of the election outcome "as soon as it is safe."December - - Secret Service agents and police in Omaha had to use night sticks and pepper gas to protect President Bush from a mob of enraged golden oldies in wheelchairs and on walkers, who assailed the Chief Executive with canes, dentures, hearing aids and empty plastic pill containers. A shocked Chief Executive asked, "What did I do?"Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld concedes not all the fingernails belong to chimps.While lighting the National Holiday Tree, President Bush asks his fellow Americans "to stay the course." He predicts some troops will be withdrawn by the end of May, 2007.

posted by Joshua P. Angell  @ 2.1.06

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